Musings: February 2008 Archives

The other week I was hanging out with a friend I’ve known for a few years, and who is one of my two go-to girls for opposite sex relationship advice. Also known as “opposition research” (See – that was a political joke). She was lamenting how this dude she was interested in seemed to go home with another girl a previous evening, and yet she thought they’d hit it off. Apparently this gentleman is a “nice guy”, and while I usually win the August Strindberg Award, if there’s one place I can help the ladies – it’s how to bag a nice guy. And I can also help making Strindberg jokes. Why exactly is August Strindberg so damn funny?

You see, nice guys operate under a different set of rules than the rest of the male population. Most of the time, there aren’t even nice dudes available on the market as they probably met their soul mate while in college and are off being hyper-successful and living somewhere interesting. You’ve met these people before – you probably got drunk at their wedding.

Mike’s Rules for Finding & Dating Nice Dudes (by Mike, a Nice Dude)

1. When you say “no”, we take you at your word. You see, when you say “no” to a super douche bag, he interprets that as “it’s not no until she’s calling the police.” This is a big part of WHY they’re douche bags. Douche bags hear “no” as “please continue to try to fuck me. Even if I’m very explicit in what I want and do not want.” Nice dudes hear “no” as “Please discontinue your advances.” And what do we do? We respect your wishes, and move on!

2. We might initiate some physical contact, but if you do not reciprocate then we will interpret that as “no”. In the sex ed scene of Monty Python’s Meaning of Life, John Cleese asks his classroom how to start “the vaginal juices”? One child responds, “stimulate the clitoris?” John Cleese indignantly responds, “What about a kiss boy? A simple kiss?” To us, we’re not sure when to lean in for the kiss – we haven’t had a lot of practice with meeting new girls because once we click with someone, we’re not just trying to fuck them for that particular evening. So early in the process, it’s a little awkward. But we’ll put our arm around you. We’ll sit close. We will initiate some small level of physical contact, and wait for you to respond. If you do not respond, that’s not a “keep going”. That’s a “uh oh, perhaps I am making her uncomfortable.” Goto 1.

3. We are not trying to fuck with your head. We are well aware that you are trying to fuck with ours. We understand this is a game, there are rules and protocols and other inane bullshit. But then there will be that totally awesome chick that comes along and ignores those rules and is all like, “Hey! Sup? So you’re cute and like Linux, I’m cute and like Linux – let’s go out for a drink.” And you know what’s going to happen? I’m going to go out for a drink with her!

4. We don’t like to use women, but that doesn’t mean we don’t like to shtup either. No nice guy is above having a one night stand – provided it is understood what it is going into it. As nice guys, when we’re single sex can be a bit of a rarity. As a result, when the opportunity presents itself – we’re probably going to go for it, even if we’re actually interested in dating someone else. Call this a lack of confidence, call this hedging one’s bet, call this pure unadulterated no-strings attached coitus – call it whatever you want, it happens. So if you’re interested in a nice dude, and you play it all traditional and “hard to get”, and are then confused when he goes home with some other chick who clearly he only wants to bed – it’s because you weren’t forthright and he probably hasn’t gotten laid in a while.

5. If you’re not interested – say so. We’re trying to learn these ridiculous rituals that you ladies have put in place that only serve to frustrate and enrage, but we’re not doing a good job of it. From time to time we’ll have the courage to say something to someone ourselves, but we still have that scar from Middle School where we asked out the cute girl & got laughed at. There’s a reason these things are called scars.

In time, I’m sure I’ll have more thoughts to add to this discussion. But here’s a good place to start. And so you know, my friend who wasn’t sure about this before she proceeded to follow the advice above – yeah, she’s TOTALLY smitten with her new boy (as he is with her).